Ever wonder where all the souls of unfertilized eggs, laden with potential, go when flushed out of the body, and flushed down the drain?

What happens when that hell… becomes full?

Three days before her period, one young woman is the first of many:

The Preggening

It's the hellish inverse of immaculate conception.

No condom will protect you from the evil growing in your belly.

It's 50% of your DNA… but 100% ZOMBIE.

I only like to Tweet once an hour at most, so I'll dump other thoughts here instead of holding them back and then forgetting:

I get a lot A LOT of input. I have a constant flow of notifications, whether by Twitter, email or RSS, of what fascinating people are doing around the world at any given moment. It keeps me honest and inspired and motivated.

I need to balance better my input/output. I am stuffed to the neck with inspiration and I've choked back my output too much.

That is all.

In 2009, I joined two new religions:

one, "get excited and make things", as put forth by Matt Jones and expanded upon by Ariana Osborne and Wil Wheaton.

two, I become a follower of the messiah, Surprised Kitty. (If you click that link, you too will have no choice but to see the light of True Cuteness and join me in the Church of the Surprised Kitty.)

But more importantly, the first thing:

I am a believer in making things. That is all that is Good and Righteous in this world. It's why trees are beautiful, and paintings of all sorts, and POD magazines, and (theoretically) babies. And of course, The Enlightened Surprised Kitty. They are things that are made, or making things, or growing. It's why city-stomping aliens and wasteful corporations are bad: because they are destroying things, rather than making things. This is why the villain/hero dichotomy was all turned around in Van Helsing. But that's a discussion for another time.

I already believe in making things. I believe in my calling to sing all day, and write as much as I can, and try my hand at as many arts as I can. Making stuff like that fills me with excitement, and thinking about it fills me with giddy anticipation.

But I watch other people make things in large quantities while I spend my days in offices and spend my evenings tired, barely meeting minimums and collapsing into video games.

This New Year, I came to a realization about the missing element that was preventing me from reaching my dreams of being super productive at making stuff:

I had forgotten the "Get Excited" part.

That part is just as important.

"Get Excited" means, drop everything that's more boring and just fucking do it.

I have SO MANY IDEAS but I'm a list person. I jot those ideas into my list and then NEVER FUCKING GET TO IT.

Fuck that. I will Get Excited and do it. I have the Wrong Kind of Discipline. I discipline my creative urges to get to the boring life stuff. I need to discipline my boring life stuff to get to my creative urges.

I'm going to try following my urges and see where that goes.

It seems to be going well. I'm at work right now, where I'm supposed to be in my data entry coma. I get a lot of great ideas while mechanically typing shit in, especially in this industry (I'm working on an international database for the music industry). But I need to ride those waves and just do it. When I want to write, write. When I want to do music, do it. When I want to do art, do it. It's just so much more important than all this other shit.

Thanks for listening.

174403655
6:33
did u have fun last night?

Elana
6:33
Who are you?

174403655
6:34
i'm your next boyfriend

Elana
6:34
How do you figure?

174403655
6:35
what are you doing tonite? wanna go out?
send me some pictures first

This is my review of Clorox Green Works laundry detergent. There is a survey link at the end of the review; please fill it out and give Matchstick your opinion on my piece! Not only does it generate a $2 donation to a Toronto women's shelter, but it also improves my credibility with Matchstick and encourages them to send me more free stuff (and if you know me at all, you know how desperately I need free stuff).

* * *

Objective: Wash my clothes.

Constants: My boyfriend's kind of sketchy/stinky university dorm washing machines; no fabric softener in dryer; dirty clothes (both mine and his); soy sauce stains.

Variable: Clorox Green Works laundry detergent.

Okay so maybe I didn't really conduct this as a totally thorough and rigourous scientific experiment. The truth is, I've been used to using Tide in my parents' magnificent space-age washing machines, carefully separating all my clothing types from each other into ultra-specific micro-loads (subdivided by colour type, regular/delicate/hand wash — yes their machines have a 'hand wash' option — silk, wool, or 'heavy duty'). I was a laundry princess, laundering with abandon even a load as small as a single pair of panties that solely constitutes the WHITE HANDWASH pile.

But I've been staying at my boyfriend's dorm a lot. All my clothes are here. And I work full-time in the city and I can't afford to spend a day commuting to the 'burbs for a laundravaganza, the way I'd been used to doing.

I had to use the stinky, dollar-per-use, washing machines that he shares with the other students on his floor.

They don't even have DIGITAL READOUTS, people.

I almost didn't have the nerve to do it, until I was sent a bottle of Clorox Green Works detergent to review (not to mention that I was going to have to go naked the next day because I had no clean clothes left.)

So maybe this wasn't scientific rigour, but it was certainly making the new product run the gauntlet. In already barbaric conditions, would my clothes feel clean?? The odds were stacked against it, especially since it was a purported "green" product using mystical things like "coconut-based cleansers". How was that going to work?

I have to tell you, people, I'm a believer. That big fat orange Tide detergent bottle is going to be green Clorox from now on. Just look at it. It's adorable.

The bottle's actually bigger than it appears in the photo, relative to a regular human. It contains 1.33 L. My boyfriend just happens to be an enormous man.

Also make special note of the giant arthritic-hand-friendly cap on the top. I am a person who is easily influenced by the tactile qualities of packaging, and the satisfying twist on that cap gives it huge points on the want-to-purchase-again scale.

But on to the chemical formulation contained within:

My position on 'green' products is the following: "it probably doesn't work as well as the tasty tasty carcinogen-rich non-green counterparts, but I should do my bit for the environment". I mean seriously, coconut cleansers?

But — and I am not shitting you — this stuff works better than Tide.

Anecdotal proof:

I go out for sushi with my choir every Wednesday night after rehearsal (SHOUT OUT), and the Wednesday before my first fateful experience with Clorox Green Works, I got a spot of soy sauce on a white t-shirt. (GASP! I know right??)

I wish I could show you photographic proof of the fact that the stain is gone but you know, a picture of a plain unblemished white t-shirt probably isn't going to be persuasive.

No, seriously.

In my Tide days, I was accustomed to just saying my sad farewells to soy sauce stained t-shirts. But no longer!! No longer!!

But what, you must be asking me, about the scent? The liquid itself smells kind of nice, you know, standard laundry detergent fare, but does it adhere to the clothes?

Scent is a major factor for both J-M (my enormous boyfriend) and I. One look at our shared domicile should tell you, it's not as important for things to actually BE clean as it is for the parts touching us to FEEL clean. (Well sometimes we don't even meet that standard, but you see my point.) We enjoy living in a world of illusions. If the clothing has a pleasing scent, it must be quite sufficiently clean. Yes?

Both his mom and my mom have always used Tide, and thus it is the scent of Tide that we associate with clean clothes.

Pulling our cleaned clothing out of the stinky washing machines in his dormitory laundry room, we were both snorting our various garments with a puzzled and slightly let-down expression on our faces. No smell! No clean? We am confused!

It took a moment for me to steady myself and realize that it was merely Tide brainwashing (Tidewashing!). These artificial scents were merely superfluous additives, designed to train our olfactory bulbs into submission to our orange overlords!

The vanishing soy sauce stain convinced me that my clothes were actually quite squeaky clean. And if you snort your clothing deeply enough, you may catch a faint whiff of…

Yes, coconut. From the coconut-based cleansers.

I shared a sample of Clorox Green Works, generously provided by Matchstick, with my friend Michael (of the aforementioned choir). Michael is a man of refined taste and delicate odour-sensitivity. True story: I once spent approximately twenty minutes with him in the shampoo aisle, assisting his choice in how his hair should smell. (The considerations were that it should not be too girly, nor too manly; merely pleasingly gender-neutral, clean, and sophisticated.) Upon using the sample of Clorox Green Works, Michael got back to me with excitement, eager for the associated coupons that I also have available for distribution. His sense of smell must be much more sensitive than mine or J-M's, because he couldn't stop enthusing about how much he loved the smell of this detergent. Not too strong, but clean, and sweet, and different. So there you go.

Finally, let's compare the warning labels on the back of Green Works and Tide:

Tide:
Some further stats:

- The 1.33 L bottle is enough for thirty loads because you need to use so little each load. J-M watched with trepidation as I very precisely followed the little lines on the inside of the cap; he did not believe it could be enough for clothing as filthy as ours. But lo! It was.
- Clorox Green Works can, in fact, be used in High Efficiency washing machines.
- It calls itself "95% natural". This term is not governmentally regulated.
- They are against animal testing.
- It is phosphate-free.
- The bottle is made of recycled high density polyethylene.
- J-M reaches for the bottle of Green Works now even though he has TWO huge bottles of Tide sitting in his room.
- Yes J-M does my laundry sometimes because he is the sweetest boyfriend ever.


So there you go, I hope that was useful to you. Either way, please fill out this survey.

It will generate a $2 donation to a women's shelter in Toronto and also give Matchstick feedback on how AWESOME my reviewing skills are.

Also if I know you IRL, I have plenty of samples to give away, and coupons for a free no-strings-attached full-sized bottle of the stuff. Which is totally no-lose. Kind of like filling out the survey.

 I was helping J-M with his Jane Jacobs paper and it came up: what kind of city would I build?

Imagine a city where all of its urban resource types — schools, libraries, hospitals, civic buildings, arts buildings, markets, residence zones — were situated in a lattice pattern. So there would be a school lattice, and each school would be situated as far away from its neighbour schools as possible; there would be a hospital lattice, and each hospital would be as far away from its neighbour hospitals as possible; there would be an arts lattice, and the opera house would be as far away from the ballet and the theatre as possible and they from each other, etc. These lattices would be overlaid on each other but slightly offset, so that each grid square in the city wouldn't necessarily have exactly the same distribution of resources on it, but any given point in the city would be walking distance from any single example of the above categories. The result would be a consistently heterogeneous urban mass.

This rules out housing projects, arts compounds, enormous same-age shopping malls, and all the other stuff that Jane Jacobs thinks become urban dead zones over time.

There would be no downtown, because even huge office towers would be zoned according to their own lattice, and they would be spread equidistant from each other across the city.

The city's edges/suburbs would be defined merely as a gradual drop-off in density.

Instead of a bunch of little parks inside the city — which are really just useless, dangerous, junkie parlours — I'd have the city be right next to an enormous green space, equal in size to the city itself.

It would be big enough to house all kinds of activities so that it would be in use at all hours of the day. There could be a central area for concerts and raves at night; a lake for water sports; children's parks; zoos; and of course an actual nature preserve. A low-footprint monorail would make all points in the park accessible. A real, functional city next to a real, functional park.

Everyone would be able to walk from their homes to get to all their basic needs: groceries, civic resources, education, jobs. They would only have to leave their walkable range on special occasions, like to get to a particular type of arts event that isn't housed in their region, or to visit a specialized type of library or civic centre. Small local business and entrepreneurial ventures would flourish. Cost of living would be much much lower. The environmental impact of driving commuters would be greatly reduced.

Each little region could have a name and have a small local council to bring out its local flavour and personality, and run projects and events to foster community. This would be possible because each region would have a full complement of resources with which to work: people, buildings, businesses.

What do you think?

I think I should make some pictures or something.

 7:19:21 PM 594813929: how are you doing?

7:19:32 PM Elana: fine

7:20:37 PM 594813929: can we chat?

7:20:41 PM Elana: ok

7:21:13 PM 594813929: my name is musah

7:21:16 PM Elana: hi

7:21:28 PM 594813929: i'm from ghana west africa

7:21:31 PM Elana: cool

7:21:41 PM 594813929: and you?

7:21:48 PM Elana: I'm from Canada, North America

7:22:17 PM 594813929: ok

7:22:25 PM 594813929: and your name?

7:23:21 PM Elana: Elana

7:24:41 PM 594813929: nice name?

7:24:44 PM Elana: yes

7:26:26 PM 594813929: can we be friends?

7:26:31 PM Elana: maybe

7:26:38 PM 594813929: ok

7:27:07 PM 594813929: can you tell me about you?

7:29:17 PM Elana: What do you want to know?

7:30:17 PM 594813929: tell every thing about or your country?

7:30:24 PM Elana: What?

7:30:25 PM 594813929: are you single?

7:30:29 PM Elana: no

7:30:46 PM 594813929: are you sad?

7:30:49 PM Elana: no

7:31:00 PM 594813929: i'm just asking

7:31:04 PM Elana: I understand

7:31:15 PM 594813929: thank you

7:31:43 PM 594813929: or are you busy?

7:31:48 PM Elana: Not really

7:32:02 PM 594813929: ok

7:33:10 PM 594813929: how many siblings do you have?

7:33:14 PM Elana: 0

7:33:29 PM 594813929: and children?

7:33:32 PM Elana: 0

7:33:37 PM 594813929: ok

7:34:03 PM 594813929: are you with your boyfriend?

7:34:08 PM Elana: yes

7:34:14 PM 594813929: good

7:34:18 PM Elana: yes

7:36:24 PM 594813929: i'm sorry for disturben you

7:37:21 PM Elana: What makes you think you're disturbing me?

7:38:12 PM 594813929: like you are not happy to chat with me?

7:38:18 PM Elana: Why do you think that?

7:39:23 PM 594813929: bcus you are not asking me anything?

7:39:40 PM Elana: Isn't this the third question in a row that I am asking you?

7:41:13 PM 594813929: ok

7:41:26 PM 594813929: can i see you?

7:41:30 PM Elana: no

7:41:36 PM 594813929: why?

7:41:40 PM Elana: Why should you?

7:41:51 PM 594813929: sorry

7:42:24 PM 594813929: i'm really sorry

7:42:28 PM Elana: For what?

7:42:55 PM 594813929: i'm not happy with your chat

7:43:00 PM Elana: ok

7:43:09 PM 594813929: we better say good bye

7:43:13 PM Elana: Goodbye

7:43:15 PM 594813929: take care

EXEUNT

[11:44:39 AM] romantica54 says: hi
[11:44:40 AM] romantica54 says: how are u
[12:27:34 PM] romantica54 says: hi
[12:27:47 PM] romantica54 says: how areu
[12:57:38 PM] Elana says: Your profile photo is a picture of a dick
[12:58:01 PM] romantica54 says: like you it?
[12:58:04 PM] Elana says: no
[12:58:14 PM] romantica54 says: ok. ı chanc it.
[12:58:18 PM] Elana says: cool
[12:58:20 PM] romantica54 says: how old are you
[12:58:25 PM] Elana says: 25
[12:58:31 PM] romantica54 says: ı am 27
[12:58:36 PM] romantica54 says: what is your job?
[12:58:37 PM] Elana says: ok
[12:59:20 PM] romantica54 says: are you married?
[12:59:24 PM] Elana says: no
[12:59:39 PM] romantica54 says: have you boyfriend_?
[12:59:48 PM] Elana says: yes
[12:59:57 PM] romantica54 says: good.
[1:00:01 PM] romantica54 says: where are u from?
[1:00:06 PM] Elana says: Canada
[1:00:13 PM] romantica54 says: ohhnicce.
[1:00:19 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:00:30 PM] romantica54 says: ı dream, usa and canada and ........
[1:00:54 PM] romantica54 says: ı am turkey.. in istanbul
[1:01:04 PM] Elana says: of course you are
[1:01:41 PM] romantica54 says: can you help me?
[1:01:47 PM] Elana says: how?
[1:02:06 PM] romantica54 says: ı want learn englihs practise?
[1:02:18 PM] Elana says: go to English school or get an English tutor
[1:02:19 PM] romantica54 says: my english very bad :(
[1:02:23 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:03:00 PM] romantica54 says: ı havent enought money so, ı dont go english sckool
[1:03:05 PM] Elana says: then earn money
[1:03:14 PM] romantica54 says: yes. ı am working.
[1:03:19 PM] Elana says: good
[1:03:35 PM] romantica54 says: but ı win 1000 dollar
[1:04:14 PM] romantica54 says: are you working?
[1:06:19 PM] romantica54 says: ?
[1:08:09 PM] Elana says: no
[1:08:26 PM] romantica54 says: like you talke with me?
[1:08:42 PM] Elana says: Not especially
[1:09:57 PM] romantica54 says: like you web cam sex?
[1:10:06 PM] Elana says: not really
[1:10:15 PM] romantica54 says: ok..

Sincere apologies for my shitty awkward Hebrew; it's been seven years since I graduated from my Jewish high school and even when I visited Israel I hardly had any opportunities to practise. Translations are italicized.

This conversation follows from another a few days back that I didn't save: he proselytized all over the damn place and I got bored and ran into a language barrier and turned off IM. Sorry for losing the context there.

281908244
2:05
?

Elana
2:05
.

281908244
2:05
Elana
2:05
hi

281908244
2:06
את יהודיה?
Are you Jewish?

Elana
2:07
Are you the guy who tried to tell me to keep Shabbat?

281908244
2:08
אני לא יודע אנגלית
I don't know English

Elana
2:08
dibarnu kvar, ken?
We've already spoken, right?

281908244
2:08
אני חושב שכן
I think so

Elana
2:11
veratzita she'eshmor shabat
And you wanted me to keep Shabbat

281908244
2:11
יש מצב
(This was a colloquialism I didn't know; it means literally, "there is a situation". I just looked it up and apparently it means "it's possible" or something similar.)

Elana
2:12
ani lo mevinah - ivrit lo hasafa sheli, ani medaberet anglit
I don't understand — Hebrew isn't my language, I speak English.

281908244
2:12
אני לא מבין אנגלית
יש לך משפחה בישראל
I don't understand English. Do you have family in Israel?

Elana
2:12
lo
No.

281908244
2:14
אז מתי את באה לבקר בישראל<
?
So when you come to visit Israel? (I tried to approximate in English the ambiguity of this sentence in Hebrew: it could be understood as past or present tense with very different meanings, i.e., "So when did you come to Israel?" vs. "So when are you coming to Israel?")

Elana
2:14
shalosh peamim
Three times. (I chose to interpret it as a past tense sentence because I didn't want to deal with the implication that he was just another pushy bastard trying to convince me to make aliya, a.k.a. make a religious pilgrimage to move to Israel)

281908244
2:15
מתי?
When?

Elana
2:16
1997, 2005, 2006

281908244
2:16
ומתי את מגיעה שוב?
And when are you coming back?

Elana
2:16
lo yodaat
I don't know

281908244
2:17
מה את עושה בחיים?
What do you do in life?

Elana
2:18
ani rotza ledaber od al madua ata choshev sheata yachol lehagid li sheani tzricha lishmor shabat
I want to talk more about why you think you can tell me to observe Shabbat

281908244
2:19
אני רק רוצה לעזור לך גם אני לא הייתי שומר ועכשיו כשאני שומר ממש טוב לי בחיים לכן הצעתי לך לישמור שבת
I just want to help you because I also used not to observe Shabbat and now that I do, my life is so good so that's why I came to you to observe Shabbat

Elana
2:20
ata choshev sheanachnu chaverim veani rotza et hahoda'a shelcha?
You think that we're friends and I want your advice?

281908244
2:22
אני חושב שאם את יהודיה ואני יהודי אז אני חייו להגיד לך את זה
I think that if you're a Jew and I'm a Jew then I must tell you this

Elana
2:23
ata choshev kach - ani choshevet sheani ben adam veata ben adam velachen ata tzarich lekavod et habrerot sheli
You think that way — I think that I'm a person and you're a person and therefore you must respect my choices.

281908244
2:25
אני מכבד את כולם רק אם אני יודע שאני יכול לעזור אז אני עוזר
I respect everyone it's just that if I think I can help, I help

Elana
2:26
ata choshev sheze ezra aval nishmea li sheata menase lehagid li eich lichyot
You think it's help but it sounds to me like you're trying to tell me how to live.

281908244
2:26
ממש לא נשמה
יש לך תמונה?
Not at all. You have a picture?

Elana
2:26
lo bishvilcha
Not for you.

281908244
2:27
אין בעיה
No problem

EXEUNT

[16:21] 174403655: hi, how are you doing?
[16:21] Elana: I'm good thanks, how are you?\
[16:22] 174403655: i'm doing fine thanks
[16:22] Elana: That's good
[16:22] 174403655: do u remember me?
[16:22] Elana: no
[16:22] 174403655: how's your summer? did u go anywhere?
[16:22] Elana: Are you going to remind me of who you are?
[16:22] 174403655: no
[16:23] Elana: I guess I didn't like you then
[16:23] 174403655: why?
[16:23] Elana: Because otherwise you would have nothing to hide
[16:23] 174403655: i have nothing to hide, i just didn't chat with u for a very long time
[16:23] Elana: So then remind me of who you are
[16:24] 174403655: i didn't keep the history, so i forgot what i've talked to u b4, i just remember that i told u i live with my parents
[16:25] Elana: But you must have told me about yourself.
[16:25] 174403655: and i would like to see u
[16:25] Elana: Do you remember anything about me?
[16:25] 174403655: yes, i'm working as a computer programmer
[16:25] Elana: do you remember anything about me
[16:26] 174403655: you told me u have lots of friends ... something like that
[16:26] Elana: So you don't really remember anything at all.
[16:27] 174403655: i haven't use icq for a very long time, i just downloaded and installed it couple of days ago, and then i saw u
[16:27] 174403655: your nickname i.e. my best friends stills on my list
[16:28] 174403655: u go to school?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: what do u do?
[16:29] Elana: work
[16:29] 174403655: waitress?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: customer service related?
[16:29] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: u off today?
[16:30] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: good for u
[16:30] 174403655: do u like go clubbing?
[16:30] 174403655: what do u do for fun?
[16:31] Elana: whatever I want
[16:31] 174403655: can i see u this friday?
[16:31] Elana: no
[16:32] 174403655: why not?
[16:32] 174403655: u live in downtown?
[16:33] 174403655: hey baby, are u still there?
[16:33] 174403655: do u have bf?
[16:44] Elana: yes
[16:56] 174403655: sorry i was in a shower ... can i ask u like him more or he likes u more?
[16:58] 174403655: do u remember i said "i will treat u as a queen although i'm not a king" to u before?
[16:59] 174403655: we used to chat everyday
[17:04] 174403655: u stil there honey?
[17:05] Elana: I don't think you're thinking of the same person
[17:06] 174403655: u like to take pictures right?
[17:08] 174403655: i remember that u gave me a website to see your professional pictures
[17:09] 174403655: is that right?
[17:09] Elana: Was it Katie West's website?
[17:10] 174403655: sorry i don't remember that, but there were some black and white pictures over there
[17:10] Elana: very specific
[17:10] 174403655: sorry that's all i remember
[17:11] Elana: it doesn't really matter
[17:11] 174403655: why?
[17:11] Elana: why should it?
[17:11] 174403655: i used to be your online friend
[17:11] Elana: that is not correct
[17:12] 174403655: u hurt me if u said like that
[17:12] Elana: oh well
[17:12] 174403655: i think u remember me
[17:12] Elana: I can honestly say that I do not. What makes you think I do? Is it a familiar irritation in my tone?
[17:13] 174403655: well we can start over everything again
[17:13] Elana: Needing to start over indicates that we were never friends
[17:15] 174403655: well, i always treated u as a good friend, i don't know your side
[17:15] Elana: You said you don't remember anything about me. Either you lied about that or you're lying about this
[17:15] 174403655: i only remember little bit
[17:16] 174403655: i didn't lie
[17:16] 174403655: about 2%
[17:16] Elana: You would have to remember everything in order to make a claim like "I always treated you as a good friend"
[17:18] 174403655: because i changed your nickname as "my best friend" years ago, so when I online recently, i only know that you are my best online friend
[17:18] Elana: That must have been a highly ironic decision
[17:18] 174403655: why u said like that?
[17:18] Elana: Pardon me?
[17:18] 174403655: nothing
[17:19] 174403655: anyways i really like to see u

I lost the initial "hi" "hi" "how are you" whatever at the beginning because I switched computers.

Elana

[7/18/2009 9:07:04 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hi
[8:11:06 PM] Elana says: hi
[10:30:33 PM] TheMilkMan! says: how are you?
[10:33:26 PM] Elana says: I'm alright thanks, how are you?
[10:33:39 PM] TheMilkMan! says: me too thanks
[10:33:45 PM] Elana says: That's good.
[10:34:03 PM] TheMilkMan! says: My name is Ramis i am in IT the time i sent you a message i was so bored hope you did not mind
[10:34:11 PM] Elana says: I don't remember
[10:34:34 PM] TheMilkMan! says: yeah i was just bored so i dropped you a line just like that
[10:34:38 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:35:00 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what do you do ?
[10:35:06 PM] Elana says: I work in a shop
[10:35:18 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see so you are in sales
[10:35:19 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ?
[10:35:23 PM] Elana says: I suppose
[10:35:35 PM] TheMilkMan! says: nice
[10:35:41 PM] TheMilkMan! says: are you Russian?
[10:35:45 PM] Elana says: no
[10:35:52 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ok sorry
[10:35:58 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what area of Toronto are you in?
[10:36:08 PM] Elana says: Richmond Hill
[10:36:20 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see i am in Scarborough
[10:36:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you work in like a branded store?
[10:36:29 PM] Elana says: oh
[10:36:37 PM] Elana says: What do you mean?
[10:36:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i mean some clothing store?
[10:36:47 PM] Elana says: no
[10:36:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: like GAP
[10:36:51 PM] Elana says: no
[10:36:53 PM] TheMilkMan! says: oh ok
[10:37:05 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you study?
[10:37:16 PM] Elana says: Not right now, although I'm going to take the LSAT in September
[10:37:31 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see
[10:37:38 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you mind if i ask how old are you?
[10:37:42 PM] Elana says: no
[10:37:52 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so how old are you?
[10:37:54 PM] Elana says: 25
[10:38:03 PM] TheMilkMan! says: nice
[10:38:12 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i am 27
[10:38:17 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:38:21 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so how come you are home on Satureeday night?
[10:38:38 PM] Elana says: Does there have to be a reason?
[10:38:53 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no i mean normally people don't stay home on weekends
[10:39:00 PM] Elana says: You're home, aren't you?
[10:39:13 PM] TheMilkMan! says: reason i am home is i am doing some office work which is too bad :(
[10:39:28 PM] Elana says: I'm at home because nothing else came up to do
[10:39:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ahh let's go out then i can pick you up? ;)
[10:39:52 PM] Elana says: no
[10:40:07 PM] TheMilkMan! says: why you don't like going out?
[10:40:14 PM] Elana says: With random guys from the Internet? No.
[10:40:20 PM] TheMilkMan! says: oh ok :(
[10:40:29 PM] TheMilkMan! says: but i am not a criminal trust me
[10:40:36 PM] Elana says: How convincing
[10:40:41 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:41:40 PM] TheMilkMan! says: why are you in a grumpy mood?
[10:42:00 PM] Elana says: Do I have to be grumpy to say no to a random guy from the Internet trying to pick me up?
[10:42:44 PM] TheMilkMan! says: you have a point but every person is a stranger when you meet him/her for the first time no?
[10:42:56 PM] Elana says: Yes, and you don't go out with them.
[10:43:17 PM] TheMilkMan! says: right ok fair enough we can meet for coffee/
[10:43:27 PM] Elana says: no
[10:43:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: mean no chance for me for anything
[10:44:08 PM] Elana says: I'm talking to you, that's plenty
[10:44:15 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:44:18 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you have a bf?
[10:44:20 PM] Elana says: yes
[10:44:34 PM] TheMilkMan! says: uhh so he does not have time for you?
[10:44:42 PM] Elana says: Of course he does, what are you talking about?
[10:45:12 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then how come you are alone on Satureday hellloooo?
[10:45:22 PM] Elana says: He's working out of town right now. You're a bit disrespectful, aren't you.
[10:45:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no but straight forward :)
[10:46:03 PM] Elana says: So I guess you're single and desperate?
[10:46:33 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahaha single but have enough girls to hang around but i love fucking different girls
[10:46:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: which is a bitter truth
[10:46:47 PM] Elana says: You have pretty low standards, right?
[10:47:07 PM] TheMilkMan! says: if  you meet me then you would know my standard i can dam buy with my money
[10:47:11 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i have money power
[10:47:13 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahhahaha
[10:47:18 PM] Elana says: I doubt that very much
[10:47:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: let's  meet up to find out then
[10:47:35 PM] Elana says: no
[10:47:40 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well up to you
[10:47:44 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:48:22 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well good luck with your grumpyness and have a gnite
[10:48:31 PM] TheMilkMan! says: too bad you are sleeping alone ;)
[10:48:32 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:50:11 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what happened now?
[10:50:20 PM] Elana says: ...you said goodbye.
[10:50:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: because sounds like you are not interested?
[10:50:39 PM] Elana says: That is correct
[10:50:59 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then if i can't get you to my bed whats the point?
[10:51:04 PM] Elana says: of what?
[10:51:45 PM] TheMilkMan! says: of chit chat i wana give benfits in my friendship to friends and take benefits
[10:51:50 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:52:00 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so i don't know if you would be interested?
[10:52:17 PM] Elana says: Haven't I been clear enough?
[10:52:49 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol you never know second thoughts can come any time to make you wet enough to say yes since your bf is out of towm you might be desperate
[10:52:50 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:53:15 PM] Elana says: Good god man, nothing dries me up more than a random guy from the Internet hitting on me
[10:53:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahahahhahah
[10:53:50 PM] Elana says: You must have discovered by now that this is the absolute worst way to pick up girls
[10:54:16 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well trust me it works for me very well
[10:54:33 PM] Elana says: You must have met some really pathetic gross girls
[10:54:56 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no most of them weree dam hot
[10:55:15 PM] Elana says: I think either you are lying or your idea of hot is different from most people's
[10:55:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: and so many of them were from your community chinese i meant
[10:55:57 PM] Elana says: Since when am I in the Chinese community?
[10:56:14 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol stop lying girl
[10:56:19 PM] Elana says: what?!
[10:56:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then what are you ? white ass?
[10:56:32 PM] TheMilkMan! says: or brown ass?
[10:56:36 PM] Elana says: neither
[10:56:42 PM] TheMilkMan! says: black ass?
[10:56:44 PM] Elana says: no
[10:56:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then
[10:57:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ?

EXEUNT

 217867054

 - No, I didn't make it back downstairs after that last Tweet.

- My parents' wineglasses are fucking huge and are not meant to be filled to the top. OH WELLS! I estimate I drank about a bottle and a half. I make my Four Cups COUNT.

- I don't really like to be drunk, but I do it when I have to. It's like, you know when people say, "I would rather stab out my own eyes than do <xxx>"? That's what the seder is like for me. My brain had two choices: beat itself in the face repeatedly with horrible (and delicious) toxins until I ceased to comprehend the agonizingly stupid discussion at the table, or crawl out my own ear and choke itself to death. I chose toxins, as any reasonable person would.

- I don't really enjoy the company of my extended family, no.

- Seriously. SERIOUSLY. "What do you think of the Mayan calendar coming to an end? The WORLD is going to end!" You're going to utter those words? Without a trace of irony? Before kiddush? Seriously? Seriously?

- "Every single war in history was caused by religion." Really? ALL of them? Are you really going to go there? I'm sorry I'm having trouble hearing because I'm drowning in candy-flavoured kosher wine. "It's the only reason for any war ever." Uh oh my brain is throttling itself better pour another glass. But before I go– what about communism? "Communism is a religion" OH NO I HAVE DIED

- Yeah, I definitely went upstairs, drunk dialed my boyfriend, sent a bunch of hilariously incoherent texts and Tweets, and passed out on my bed. I then slept through a phone call, four text messages and my mom coming in to turn off the light. I had managed to have about four bites of matzah ball soup before it was game over. Good thing I got an advance on my afikoman money last night.

- But now I'm awake and eating leftovers in glorious solitude at 4:45 AM, the way GOD MEANT IT.

Hi! I'm Elana. I'm 25 years old, I reside in Toronto, and I live in a dream.

If the world was Star Trek, I would occupy my days with: singing, collaborating on a cappella arrangements of my favourite songs, writing stories, researching mysteries of ancient civilizations, and learning to paint. I'd probably play a lot of video games too.

I'm terribly ill-suited for a capitalist system.

I went to university for archaeology and philosophy, specializing respectively in the Minoan Bronze Age, and philosophy of mind.

I worked in a comic shop for eight years which spanned undergraduate and a few years after that, when I was the manager of said shop.

Retail is a shit-awful job and I eventually got fired for levels of grumpiness that are unacceptable even for a Comic Book Guy.

I tried surviving off variations of other shit jobs and got fired more. I don't disguise deep existential unhappiness/misanthropy very well, so I fail miserably at jobs that are boring or involve working for people who are stupid.

Luckily I'm pretty smart, so right now I have applications on the go for many graduate schools, law schools, and maybe colleges. I'd like to study art history, or do entertainment law (so I can be paid to hang out with my musician friends). My grades aren't such hot shit though, so we'll see if I get lucky.

Right now I work full-time at two unpaid internships: one at a music industry not-for-profit, and the other at an entertainment law firm. They are fun, challenging jobs that I enjoy a lot, and I am learning to live very cheaply and/or mooch successfully off my highly employable boyfriend.

I sing a lot and gig frequently with my different a cappella groups but I'm a little afraid of stalkers so I don't release many details online of my shows. (Many of them are private events anyway.) However one group has a CD coming out so I'd like to share clips of my featured solo when it's officially released. It sounds pretty hot, if I may say so myself.

If you'd like to be my friend, feel free to commence friendship at your earliest convenience, using any of the following means.

Yahoo IM: alienne4
ICQ (compatible with AIM): 174834019
MSN: alienne4@lycos.com
GoogleTalk: miss.elana
Jabber: alienne4@livejournal.com
Skype: alienne4
iChat/mobile me: elana.s
Twitter: elana_s
email: miss.elana@gmail.com

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