I always said

 I was helping J-M with his Jane Jacobs paper and it came up: what kind of city would I build?

Imagine a city where all of its urban resource types — schools, libraries, hospitals, civic buildings, arts buildings, markets, residence zones — were situated in a lattice pattern. So there would be a school lattice, and each school would be situated as far away from its neighbour schools as possible; there would be a hospital lattice, and each hospital would be as far away from its neighbour hospitals as possible; there would be an arts lattice, and the opera house would be as far away from the ballet and the theatre as possible and they from each other, etc. These lattices would be overlaid on each other but slightly offset, so that each grid square in the city wouldn't necessarily have exactly the same distribution of resources on it, but any given point in the city would be walking distance from any single example of the above categories. The result would be a consistently heterogeneous urban mass.

This rules out housing projects, arts compounds, enormous same-age shopping malls, and all the other stuff that Jane Jacobs thinks become urban dead zones over time.

There would be no downtown, because even huge office towers would be zoned according to their own lattice, and they would be spread equidistant from each other across the city.

The city's edges/suburbs would be defined merely as a gradual drop-off in density.

Instead of a bunch of little parks inside the city — which are really just useless, dangerous, junkie parlours — I'd have the city be right next to an enormous green space, equal in size to the city itself.

It would be big enough to house all kinds of activities so that it would be in use at all hours of the day. There could be a central area for concerts and raves at night; a lake for water sports; children's parks; zoos; and of course an actual nature preserve. A low-footprint monorail would make all points in the park accessible. A real, functional city next to a real, functional park.

Everyone would be able to walk from their homes to get to all their basic needs: groceries, civic resources, education, jobs. They would only have to leave their walkable range on special occasions, like to get to a particular type of arts event that isn't housed in their region, or to visit a specialized type of library or civic centre. Small local business and entrepreneurial ventures would flourish. Cost of living would be much much lower. The environmental impact of driving commuters would be greatly reduced.

Each little region could have a name and have a small local council to bring out its local flavour and personality, and run projects and events to foster community. This would be possible because each region would have a full complement of resources with which to work: people, buildings, businesses.

What do you think?

I think I should make some pictures or something.

 7:19:21 PM 594813929: how are you doing?

7:19:32 PM Elana: fine

7:20:37 PM 594813929: can we chat?

7:20:41 PM Elana: ok

7:21:13 PM 594813929: my name is musah

7:21:16 PM Elana: hi

7:21:28 PM 594813929: i'm from ghana west africa

7:21:31 PM Elana: cool

7:21:41 PM 594813929: and you?

7:21:48 PM Elana: I'm from Canada, North America

7:22:17 PM 594813929: ok

7:22:25 PM 594813929: and your name?

7:23:21 PM Elana: Elana

7:24:41 PM 594813929: nice name?

7:24:44 PM Elana: yes

7:26:26 PM 594813929: can we be friends?

7:26:31 PM Elana: maybe

7:26:38 PM 594813929: ok

7:27:07 PM 594813929: can you tell me about you?

7:29:17 PM Elana: What do you want to know?

7:30:17 PM 594813929: tell every thing about or your country?

7:30:24 PM Elana: What?

7:30:25 PM 594813929: are you single?

7:30:29 PM Elana: no

7:30:46 PM 594813929: are you sad?

7:30:49 PM Elana: no

7:31:00 PM 594813929: i'm just asking

7:31:04 PM Elana: I understand

7:31:15 PM 594813929: thank you

7:31:43 PM 594813929: or are you busy?

7:31:48 PM Elana: Not really

7:32:02 PM 594813929: ok

7:33:10 PM 594813929: how many siblings do you have?

7:33:14 PM Elana: 0

7:33:29 PM 594813929: and children?

7:33:32 PM Elana: 0

7:33:37 PM 594813929: ok

7:34:03 PM 594813929: are you with your boyfriend?

7:34:08 PM Elana: yes

7:34:14 PM 594813929: good

7:34:18 PM Elana: yes

7:36:24 PM 594813929: i'm sorry for disturben you

7:37:21 PM Elana: What makes you think you're disturbing me?

7:38:12 PM 594813929: like you are not happy to chat with me?

7:38:18 PM Elana: Why do you think that?

7:39:23 PM 594813929: bcus you are not asking me anything?

7:39:40 PM Elana: Isn't this the third question in a row that I am asking you?

7:41:13 PM 594813929: ok

7:41:26 PM 594813929: can i see you?

7:41:30 PM Elana: no

7:41:36 PM 594813929: why?

7:41:40 PM Elana: Why should you?

7:41:51 PM 594813929: sorry

7:42:24 PM 594813929: i'm really sorry

7:42:28 PM Elana: For what?

7:42:55 PM 594813929: i'm not happy with your chat

7:43:00 PM Elana: ok

7:43:09 PM 594813929: we better say good bye

7:43:13 PM Elana: Goodbye

7:43:15 PM 594813929: take care

EXEUNT

[11:44:39 AM] romantica54 says: hi
[11:44:40 AM] romantica54 says: how are u
[12:27:34 PM] romantica54 says: hi
[12:27:47 PM] romantica54 says: how areu
[12:57:38 PM] Elana says: Your profile photo is a picture of a dick
[12:58:01 PM] romantica54 says: like you it?
[12:58:04 PM] Elana says: no
[12:58:14 PM] romantica54 says: ok. ı chanc it.
[12:58:18 PM] Elana says: cool
[12:58:20 PM] romantica54 says: how old are you
[12:58:25 PM] Elana says: 25
[12:58:31 PM] romantica54 says: ı am 27
[12:58:36 PM] romantica54 says: what is your job?
[12:58:37 PM] Elana says: ok
[12:59:20 PM] romantica54 says: are you married?
[12:59:24 PM] Elana says: no
[12:59:39 PM] romantica54 says: have you boyfriend_?
[12:59:48 PM] Elana says: yes
[12:59:57 PM] romantica54 says: good.
[1:00:01 PM] romantica54 says: where are u from?
[1:00:06 PM] Elana says: Canada
[1:00:13 PM] romantica54 says: ohhnicce.
[1:00:19 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:00:30 PM] romantica54 says: ı dream, usa and canada and ........
[1:00:54 PM] romantica54 says: ı am turkey.. in istanbul
[1:01:04 PM] Elana says: of course you are
[1:01:41 PM] romantica54 says: can you help me?
[1:01:47 PM] Elana says: how?
[1:02:06 PM] romantica54 says: ı want learn englihs practise?
[1:02:18 PM] Elana says: go to English school or get an English tutor
[1:02:19 PM] romantica54 says: my english very bad :(
[1:02:23 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:03:00 PM] romantica54 says: ı havent enought money so, ı dont go english sckool
[1:03:05 PM] Elana says: then earn money
[1:03:14 PM] romantica54 says: yes. ı am working.
[1:03:19 PM] Elana says: good
[1:03:35 PM] romantica54 says: but ı win 1000 dollar
[1:04:14 PM] romantica54 says: are you working?
[1:06:19 PM] romantica54 says: ?
[1:08:09 PM] Elana says: no
[1:08:26 PM] romantica54 says: like you talke with me?
[1:08:42 PM] Elana says: Not especially
[1:09:57 PM] romantica54 says: like you web cam sex?
[1:10:06 PM] Elana says: not really
[1:10:15 PM] romantica54 says: ok..

Sincere apologies for my shitty awkward Hebrew; it's been seven years since I graduated from my Jewish high school and even when I visited Israel I hardly had any opportunities to practise. Translations are italicized.

This conversation follows from another a few days back that I didn't save: he proselytized all over the damn place and I got bored and ran into a language barrier and turned off IM. Sorry for losing the context there.

281908244
2:05
?

Elana
2:05
.

281908244
2:05
Elana
2:05
hi

281908244
2:06
את יהודיה?
Are you Jewish?

Elana
2:07
Are you the guy who tried to tell me to keep Shabbat?

281908244
2:08
אני לא יודע אנגלית
I don't know English

Elana
2:08
dibarnu kvar, ken?
We've already spoken, right?

281908244
2:08
אני חושב שכן
I think so

Elana
2:11
veratzita she'eshmor shabat
And you wanted me to keep Shabbat

281908244
2:11
יש מצב
(This was a colloquialism I didn't know; it means literally, "there is a situation". I just looked it up and apparently it means "it's possible" or something similar.)

Elana
2:12
ani lo mevinah - ivrit lo hasafa sheli, ani medaberet anglit
I don't understand — Hebrew isn't my language, I speak English.

281908244
2:12
אני לא מבין אנגלית
יש לך משפחה בישראל
I don't understand English. Do you have family in Israel?

Elana
2:12
lo
No.

281908244
2:14
אז מתי את באה לבקר בישראל<
?
So when you come to visit Israel? (I tried to approximate in English the ambiguity of this sentence in Hebrew: it could be understood as past or present tense with very different meanings, i.e., "So when did you come to Israel?" vs. "So when are you coming to Israel?")

Elana
2:14
shalosh peamim
Three times. (I chose to interpret it as a past tense sentence because I didn't want to deal with the implication that he was just another pushy bastard trying to convince me to make aliya, a.k.a. make a religious pilgrimage to move to Israel)

281908244
2:15
מתי?
When?

Elana
2:16
1997, 2005, 2006

281908244
2:16
ומתי את מגיעה שוב?
And when are you coming back?

Elana
2:16
lo yodaat
I don't know

281908244
2:17
מה את עושה בחיים?
What do you do in life?

Elana
2:18
ani rotza ledaber od al madua ata choshev sheata yachol lehagid li sheani tzricha lishmor shabat
I want to talk more about why you think you can tell me to observe Shabbat

281908244
2:19
אני רק רוצה לעזור לך גם אני לא הייתי שומר ועכשיו כשאני שומר ממש טוב לי בחיים לכן הצעתי לך לישמור שבת
I just want to help you because I also used not to observe Shabbat and now that I do, my life is so good so that's why I came to you to observe Shabbat

Elana
2:20
ata choshev sheanachnu chaverim veani rotza et hahoda'a shelcha?
You think that we're friends and I want your advice?

281908244
2:22
אני חושב שאם את יהודיה ואני יהודי אז אני חייו להגיד לך את זה
I think that if you're a Jew and I'm a Jew then I must tell you this

Elana
2:23
ata choshev kach - ani choshevet sheani ben adam veata ben adam velachen ata tzarich lekavod et habrerot sheli
You think that way — I think that I'm a person and you're a person and therefore you must respect my choices.

281908244
2:25
אני מכבד את כולם רק אם אני יודע שאני יכול לעזור אז אני עוזר
I respect everyone it's just that if I think I can help, I help

Elana
2:26
ata choshev sheze ezra aval nishmea li sheata menase lehagid li eich lichyot
You think it's help but it sounds to me like you're trying to tell me how to live.

281908244
2:26
ממש לא נשמה
יש לך תמונה?
Not at all. You have a picture?

Elana
2:26
lo bishvilcha
Not for you.

281908244
2:27
אין בעיה
No problem

EXEUNT

[16:21] 174403655: hi, how are you doing?
[16:21] Elana: I'm good thanks, how are you?\
[16:22] 174403655: i'm doing fine thanks
[16:22] Elana: That's good
[16:22] 174403655: do u remember me?
[16:22] Elana: no
[16:22] 174403655: how's your summer? did u go anywhere?
[16:22] Elana: Are you going to remind me of who you are?
[16:22] 174403655: no
[16:23] Elana: I guess I didn't like you then
[16:23] 174403655: why?
[16:23] Elana: Because otherwise you would have nothing to hide
[16:23] 174403655: i have nothing to hide, i just didn't chat with u for a very long time
[16:23] Elana: So then remind me of who you are
[16:24] 174403655: i didn't keep the history, so i forgot what i've talked to u b4, i just remember that i told u i live with my parents
[16:25] Elana: But you must have told me about yourself.
[16:25] 174403655: and i would like to see u
[16:25] Elana: Do you remember anything about me?
[16:25] 174403655: yes, i'm working as a computer programmer
[16:25] Elana: do you remember anything about me
[16:26] 174403655: you told me u have lots of friends ... something like that
[16:26] Elana: So you don't really remember anything at all.
[16:27] 174403655: i haven't use icq for a very long time, i just downloaded and installed it couple of days ago, and then i saw u
[16:27] 174403655: your nickname i.e. my best friends stills on my list
[16:28] 174403655: u go to school?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: what do u do?
[16:29] Elana: work
[16:29] 174403655: waitress?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: customer service related?
[16:29] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: u off today?
[16:30] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: good for u
[16:30] 174403655: do u like go clubbing?
[16:30] 174403655: what do u do for fun?
[16:31] Elana: whatever I want
[16:31] 174403655: can i see u this friday?
[16:31] Elana: no
[16:32] 174403655: why not?
[16:32] 174403655: u live in downtown?
[16:33] 174403655: hey baby, are u still there?
[16:33] 174403655: do u have bf?
[16:44] Elana: yes
[16:56] 174403655: sorry i was in a shower ... can i ask u like him more or he likes u more?
[16:58] 174403655: do u remember i said "i will treat u as a queen although i'm not a king" to u before?
[16:59] 174403655: we used to chat everyday
[17:04] 174403655: u stil there honey?
[17:05] Elana: I don't think you're thinking of the same person
[17:06] 174403655: u like to take pictures right?
[17:08] 174403655: i remember that u gave me a website to see your professional pictures
[17:09] 174403655: is that right?
[17:09] Elana: Was it Katie West's website?
[17:10] 174403655: sorry i don't remember that, but there were some black and white pictures over there
[17:10] Elana: very specific
[17:10] 174403655: sorry that's all i remember
[17:11] Elana: it doesn't really matter
[17:11] 174403655: why?
[17:11] Elana: why should it?
[17:11] 174403655: i used to be your online friend
[17:11] Elana: that is not correct
[17:12] 174403655: u hurt me if u said like that
[17:12] Elana: oh well
[17:12] 174403655: i think u remember me
[17:12] Elana: I can honestly say that I do not. What makes you think I do? Is it a familiar irritation in my tone?
[17:13] 174403655: well we can start over everything again
[17:13] Elana: Needing to start over indicates that we were never friends
[17:15] 174403655: well, i always treated u as a good friend, i don't know your side
[17:15] Elana: You said you don't remember anything about me. Either you lied about that or you're lying about this
[17:15] 174403655: i only remember little bit
[17:16] 174403655: i didn't lie
[17:16] 174403655: about 2%
[17:16] Elana: You would have to remember everything in order to make a claim like "I always treated you as a good friend"
[17:18] 174403655: because i changed your nickname as "my best friend" years ago, so when I online recently, i only know that you are my best online friend
[17:18] Elana: That must have been a highly ironic decision
[17:18] 174403655: why u said like that?
[17:18] Elana: Pardon me?
[17:18] 174403655: nothing
[17:19] 174403655: anyways i really like to see u

I lost the initial "hi" "hi" "how are you" whatever at the beginning because I switched computers.

Elana

[7/18/2009 9:07:04 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hi
[8:11:06 PM] Elana says: hi
[10:30:33 PM] TheMilkMan! says: how are you?
[10:33:26 PM] Elana says: I'm alright thanks, how are you?
[10:33:39 PM] TheMilkMan! says: me too thanks
[10:33:45 PM] Elana says: That's good.
[10:34:03 PM] TheMilkMan! says: My name is Ramis i am in IT the time i sent you a message i was so bored hope you did not mind
[10:34:11 PM] Elana says: I don't remember
[10:34:34 PM] TheMilkMan! says: yeah i was just bored so i dropped you a line just like that
[10:34:38 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:35:00 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what do you do ?
[10:35:06 PM] Elana says: I work in a shop
[10:35:18 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see so you are in sales
[10:35:19 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ?
[10:35:23 PM] Elana says: I suppose
[10:35:35 PM] TheMilkMan! says: nice
[10:35:41 PM] TheMilkMan! says: are you Russian?
[10:35:45 PM] Elana says: no
[10:35:52 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ok sorry
[10:35:58 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what area of Toronto are you in?
[10:36:08 PM] Elana says: Richmond Hill
[10:36:20 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see i am in Scarborough
[10:36:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you work in like a branded store?
[10:36:29 PM] Elana says: oh
[10:36:37 PM] Elana says: What do you mean?
[10:36:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i mean some clothing store?
[10:36:47 PM] Elana says: no
[10:36:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: like GAP
[10:36:51 PM] Elana says: no
[10:36:53 PM] TheMilkMan! says: oh ok
[10:37:05 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you study?
[10:37:16 PM] Elana says: Not right now, although I'm going to take the LSAT in September
[10:37:31 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i see
[10:37:38 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you mind if i ask how old are you?
[10:37:42 PM] Elana says: no
[10:37:52 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so how old are you?
[10:37:54 PM] Elana says: 25
[10:38:03 PM] TheMilkMan! says: nice
[10:38:12 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i am 27
[10:38:17 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:38:21 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so how come you are home on Satureeday night?
[10:38:38 PM] Elana says: Does there have to be a reason?
[10:38:53 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no i mean normally people don't stay home on weekends
[10:39:00 PM] Elana says: You're home, aren't you?
[10:39:13 PM] TheMilkMan! says: reason i am home is i am doing some office work which is too bad :(
[10:39:28 PM] Elana says: I'm at home because nothing else came up to do
[10:39:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ahh let's go out then i can pick you up? ;)
[10:39:52 PM] Elana says: no
[10:40:07 PM] TheMilkMan! says: why you don't like going out?
[10:40:14 PM] Elana says: With random guys from the Internet? No.
[10:40:20 PM] TheMilkMan! says: oh ok :(
[10:40:29 PM] TheMilkMan! says: but i am not a criminal trust me
[10:40:36 PM] Elana says: How convincing
[10:40:41 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:41:40 PM] TheMilkMan! says: why are you in a grumpy mood?
[10:42:00 PM] Elana says: Do I have to be grumpy to say no to a random guy from the Internet trying to pick me up?
[10:42:44 PM] TheMilkMan! says: you have a point but every person is a stranger when you meet him/her for the first time no?
[10:42:56 PM] Elana says: Yes, and you don't go out with them.
[10:43:17 PM] TheMilkMan! says: right ok fair enough we can meet for coffee/
[10:43:27 PM] Elana says: no
[10:43:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: mean no chance for me for anything
[10:44:08 PM] Elana says: I'm talking to you, that's plenty
[10:44:15 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:44:18 PM] TheMilkMan! says: do you have a bf?
[10:44:20 PM] Elana says: yes
[10:44:34 PM] TheMilkMan! says: uhh so he does not have time for you?
[10:44:42 PM] Elana says: Of course he does, what are you talking about?
[10:45:12 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then how come you are alone on Satureday hellloooo?
[10:45:22 PM] Elana says: He's working out of town right now. You're a bit disrespectful, aren't you.
[10:45:46 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no but straight forward :)
[10:46:03 PM] Elana says: So I guess you're single and desperate?
[10:46:33 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahaha single but have enough girls to hang around but i love fucking different girls
[10:46:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: which is a bitter truth
[10:46:47 PM] Elana says: You have pretty low standards, right?
[10:47:07 PM] TheMilkMan! says: if  you meet me then you would know my standard i can dam buy with my money
[10:47:11 PM] TheMilkMan! says: i have money power
[10:47:13 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahhahaha
[10:47:18 PM] Elana says: I doubt that very much
[10:47:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: let's  meet up to find out then
[10:47:35 PM] Elana says: no
[10:47:40 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well up to you
[10:47:44 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:48:22 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well good luck with your grumpyness and have a gnite
[10:48:31 PM] TheMilkMan! says: too bad you are sleeping alone ;)
[10:48:32 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:50:11 PM] TheMilkMan! says: what happened now?
[10:50:20 PM] Elana says: ...you said goodbye.
[10:50:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: because sounds like you are not interested?
[10:50:39 PM] Elana says: That is correct
[10:50:59 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then if i can't get you to my bed whats the point?
[10:51:04 PM] Elana says: of what?
[10:51:45 PM] TheMilkMan! says: of chit chat i wana give benfits in my friendship to friends and take benefits
[10:51:50 PM] Elana says: ok
[10:52:00 PM] TheMilkMan! says: so i don't know if you would be interested?
[10:52:17 PM] Elana says: Haven't I been clear enough?
[10:52:49 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol you never know second thoughts can come any time to make you wet enough to say yes since your bf is out of towm you might be desperate
[10:52:50 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol
[10:53:15 PM] Elana says: Good god man, nothing dries me up more than a random guy from the Internet hitting on me
[10:53:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: hahahahhahah
[10:53:50 PM] Elana says: You must have discovered by now that this is the absolute worst way to pick up girls
[10:54:16 PM] TheMilkMan! says: well trust me it works for me very well
[10:54:33 PM] Elana says: You must have met some really pathetic gross girls
[10:54:56 PM] TheMilkMan! says: no most of them weree dam hot
[10:55:15 PM] Elana says: I think either you are lying or your idea of hot is different from most people's
[10:55:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: and so many of them were from your community chinese i meant
[10:55:57 PM] Elana says: Since when am I in the Chinese community?
[10:56:14 PM] TheMilkMan! says: lol stop lying girl
[10:56:19 PM] Elana says: what?!
[10:56:28 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then what are you ? white ass?
[10:56:32 PM] TheMilkMan! says: or brown ass?
[10:56:36 PM] Elana says: neither
[10:56:42 PM] TheMilkMan! says: black ass?
[10:56:44 PM] Elana says: no
[10:56:48 PM] TheMilkMan! says: then
[10:57:36 PM] TheMilkMan! says: ?

EXEUNT

 217867054

 - No, I didn't make it back downstairs after that last Tweet.

- My parents' wineglasses are fucking huge and are not meant to be filled to the top. OH WELLS! I estimate I drank about a bottle and a half. I make my Four Cups COUNT.

- I don't really like to be drunk, but I do it when I have to. It's like, you know when people say, "I would rather stab out my own eyes than do <xxx>"? That's what the seder is like for me. My brain had two choices: beat itself in the face repeatedly with horrible (and delicious) toxins until I ceased to comprehend the agonizingly stupid discussion at the table, or crawl out my own ear and choke itself to death. I chose toxins, as any reasonable person would.

- I don't really enjoy the company of my extended family, no.

- Seriously. SERIOUSLY. "What do you think of the Mayan calendar coming to an end? The WORLD is going to end!" You're going to utter those words? Without a trace of irony? Before kiddush? Seriously? Seriously?

- "Every single war in history was caused by religion." Really? ALL of them? Are you really going to go there? I'm sorry I'm having trouble hearing because I'm drowning in candy-flavoured kosher wine. "It's the only reason for any war ever." Uh oh my brain is throttling itself better pour another glass. But before I go– what about communism? "Communism is a religion" OH NO I HAVE DIED

- Yeah, I definitely went upstairs, drunk dialed my boyfriend, sent a bunch of hilariously incoherent texts and Tweets, and passed out on my bed. I then slept through a phone call, four text messages and my mom coming in to turn off the light. I had managed to have about four bites of matzah ball soup before it was game over. Good thing I got an advance on my afikoman money last night.

- But now I'm awake and eating leftovers in glorious solitude at 4:45 AM, the way GOD MEANT IT.

It has occurred to me that people may want to know more about me As An Artist (heh) than a 140-character Twitter bio can provide. Or maybe I should just take an opportunity to pimp myself out.

I am a Naive Musician - much like Naive Art, I have only rudimentary training in technique, but I can't help myself and I need to make noises with my mouth and throat and skull and body. I am enrolled in theory classes starting in September and I hope they'll open up a lot more opportunities for me.

I empathize with a punk, DIY ethos of music-making. In these glorious days of the Internet, there are no startup costs to syndicating music around the world, and I'll be DAMNED if I don't take advantage of that. It's much better than the distorted convolutions of the Mainstream path.

I challenge myself by listening to difficult, experimental music and training my brain to understand it in intuitive ways.

I would like to become the vocalist whore of the indy music scene. Please collaborate with me. I want to be passed around and gain experience like infections.

Projects:

a cappella

- I am an alto (occasional mezzo-soprano) and soloist in a twenty-person collegiate a cappella choir that gigs at least a few times a month (proceeds go to charity/road trips/studio fees/t-shirts/booze). We've also been in the studio recording our first album, slated for release in late 2009/early 2010. I also sometimes join other local a cappella groups to learn different kinds of music and keep challenging my brain.

- I co-founded and I co-arrange songs for a five-person a cappella side project. This group has a focus on adapting unexpected pop/rock/electronica sounds with lots of delicious discordance. We're still polishing the arrangements we have but we're almost ready to start gigging.

collaborations in ambient music

- The Internet has been kind to me and I have connected with a couple DJs, local and long-distance, who are looking for someone to sing/make odd noises over their sweet beats and ambient textures. I'm really excited about these collabs and I would love to do more.

journalist

I am a staff writer at Sharp Objex, a magazine/blog focusing on experimental art culture.

model

I am a hair model for Matthew Genser at Circa nightclub. I have also modeled for photographer Katie West.

Future Ideas:

I am full of ideas in the areas of:
- performance art
- bands
- bloggery
- zines
- instructional videos
- webcomics
- stories
- essays
- learning to paint

They are too secret to be shared until they are made real, for the moment you hear of them you will steal my preciousssss (unless you want to help)

If you have any ideas that you think I might be helpful with, let me know! I am starving for more more more more more

Listen To Me:

I have a bunch of recordings posted on this page. They're at least a year old and very impromptu and I'm kind of embarrassed of them now.

Day Job:

I work two jobs so that I may have money to live. I work in a comic book shop and at a community centre.

Diversions:

I foster cats, I play with Tamagotchis (I even have a blog and social network about it, full of much juvenile cuteness and sentimentality <3 ), I love video games and following Warren Ellis around the Internet.

Languages Spoken:

First language is English.
Once fluent, now rusty, in Hebrew.
Functional in French.
Japanese is locked inside my brain from when I was three years old but is not terribly functional now.


First Line Of Defence Contact Info:

Yahoo IM: alienne4
ICQ (compatible with AIM): 174834019
MSN: alienne4@lycos.com
GoogleTalk: miss.elana
Jabber: alienne4@livejournal.com
Skype: alienne4
iChat/mobile me: elana.s
Twitter: elana_s
email: miss.elana@gmail.com

If you read my reviews of the L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes mascara, Matchstick (the company that hooks me up with product to review) is looking for feedback about my post and my readers. Plus, for every completed survey, they are donating two dollars to Shelternet.ca, a web-based women and children crisis support centre which also provides financial support to women's shelters across Canada. It's a win-win situation! Their surveys usually aren't very long, either. So pop over here and fill out the survey please!


The following is copied and pasted from their email to me:

Matchstick is looking for feedback from anyone who may have seen my posting regardind L’Oreal Beauty Tubes. If you click on the link below and complete the survey, you will be helping them by donating $2.00 to Shelternet, so please Click Here to take their short feedback survey.

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Clearly, everyone involved in CSI is sick of their jobs. They're behaving like girlfriends who are desperate to end the relationship but don't have the cojones to actually dump a guy, so they behave like utter twats and cheat and things just to drive away their partner. That's what CSI is doing to its audience. And we're all obviously a bunch of mad masochists.

Grissom set the tone for that show. He made it into a warm, cuddly, nerdy embrace where it was cool to like bugs and not get jokes right away. I loved that. Because of him, the bad puns were acceptable, nay, delicious.

When Grissom said it was his time to move on from CSI, I understood. I accepted that. That was a grown-up, mature breakup. So I don't hold it against Grissom.

But Morpheus. Poor Morpheus. As if he hasn't had enough experience with marvelous franchises being run into the ground.

I actually coughed up my peanut butter on pita when I saw that they had put Laurence Fishburne's name first on the credits, where William Petersen has been for so many seasons. Really? He's going to be the star of the show already? They're just going to swap out Grissom for a n00b? And we're supposed to choke down this replacement?

Wouldn't you rather see Catherine become the star? Isn't that the way chain of command works? Fuck, I'd rather watch the Paul Guilfoyle show (although that was pretty much always true).

Morpheus should have been at the end, which is also a special spot. But just slapping him on the front of the credits and expecting us not to blink? I still have peanut butter stuck in my throat.

I objected to the slapdash way they brought his character onto the team in the first place. This guy seems to be a pro at taking jobs that he's completely underqualified for. He's a medical doctor who just randomly became a professor of criminology — I bet people who spent their lives and careers earning their Ph.D.'s in criminology are slitting their wrists at the thought of having what few jobs there are, taken by some yahoo from a hospital whose claim to fame was fucking up on an autopsy. And then, as if it wasn't enough to be waltzing around lecturing at students about his new hobby, he decided, oh, I'm just going to become a forensic scientist now. That's like, what, a two-week diploma program, right? Can I like do it at a retreat in upstate New York or something?

So, I guess to compensate for this horrendous awkward chunk in the show's verisimilitude, the writers have spent this entire episode illustrating how badly Morpheus sucks at being a forensic scientist. The short list:

- he can't lift fingerprints
- he nearly barfs at the crime scene
- he breaks off bits of the corpse accidentally
- he lets his tie smear all over the dead guy and has to cut it off for trace
- he gets all up in a dude's face for smacking his son (who's a prick) and nearly blows the legality of their evidence processing
- he runs out of a car to chase down a suspect, leaving Catherine to her halfhearted cries for him to desist, and is useless anyway
- he is condescending to a juvenile person of interest and gets spat upon

I was just waiting for them to write in some sort of redemption for his character. The big redemption is that he solves the mystery by READING A FUCKING BOOK. Any of the characters could have done that. There is no special quality about this character that makes him suitable for this show in any way.

I just don't understand– is it so much to ask that the characters on a forensics show be competent forensic scientists??

This isn't the "Follow Along With Entry-Level Forensics Class" show. I want to watch people who are brilliant, being clever, doing unexpected, creative things. This is TV, after all. Maybe if the story this episode were more original or hilarious, something closer to the glories of the furries episode or the gender reassignment episode. But no, just the same tired old mixup of adultery and narcotics. Sigh.

Furthermore:
Laurence Fishburne needs to adjust his acting style for the small screen. He's too big for TV right now. His moves and his tone of voice are so deliberate and dramatic, as suits film, but not CSI. It does not gel well at all with the easy, naturalistic acting style of the rest of the cast, or the tone of the series as it has developed over the years.

But there is some optimism to be had for CSI.

I have recently discovered that I have a talent for inventing genius drinking games.

I think CSI is ripe for becoming a drinking game.

Here are the rules:

Every time Morpheus fucks up, take a drink.

Fucking up includes: screwing up the forensics, screwing up protocol, being clueless, or over-delivering a cheesy line.

This episode alone will make you pretty hammered.

Yes, I think I will tune in next week.

And I may or may not be in the Whitechapel chatroom while I do it.

My third, and, perhaps final endorsement of the L'Oreal Beauty Tooooooobz shall go like this.

Some of us lovely ladies have the need to shower in the middle of the day. Maybe you like to go to the gym mid-day. Maybe you're like me and you like to go to the local cat shelter to be covered in a fine mist of dander and the residue of thorough cat-lickings. But the dilemma is, do we go bare-faced for the first half of the day and only apply makeup once, post-shower? Or do we waste the effort of doing a full face, full wash, and full face again after the shower? Or do we do some sort of look that will smudge in a flattering way after being steamed? 

 My lazy ass has been questing for that third option. Going barefaced in the morning is inadvisable because you never know who you'll run into on the bus etc. The kicker has always been the mascara. Everything I tried turned to full-on raccoon eyes in the shower, even sans rubbing, which required just as much work to fix afterwards as it would have taken to apply a whole new eye look. But this week, ah ha! I thought, maybe the toooobz will revolutionize it all.

My pre-cat look is usually some purple liquid liner and some lip balm. Not a big deal. But mascara is pretty integral to any look, no matter how natural.

I would just like to share with you how well the tooobz hold up after a shower. There was no smudging underneath my eyes. Not even any wiggly micro-worms. It was fantabulous. I applied some Urban Decay lipgloss and I was ready to put my face on the Internet.

Remember what this blog was originally for?

You gotta remember your roots.

 capallero

 A new game has been introduced to my repertoire of nightly facewashing sports. Now, alongside the Blowing Nostril Bubbles In My Foaming Face Wash game, we have the...

Lash Or Tube game!!

My fascination with removing the L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes mascara continues.

To play Lash Or Tube:

Step 1: Wear L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes mascara. Enjoy the lengthening effect all day without worrying about the raccoon eye effect. Be impressed by this.
Step 2: Dampen a cotton pad with warm water. Hold it against your lashes for a few moments before gently swiping downwards to pull off the tubes.
Step 3: Examine the flecked tubular masterpiece on your cotton pad. Pick a little black dash on your cotton pad. Is it a fallen eyelash? Or is it just the perfectly preserved body of tubular mascara?? Make your best guess. You can even bend the cotton pad and lift it directly from the surface, intact.
Step 4: Poke at the dash with a fingernail and see if you can bisect it with a sawing motion. If it wriggles and separates, it's a tube. If a layer scrapes off but it maintains structural integrity, it's a lash.

SO MUCH FUN.

Don't forget to dab away all the wiggly mini-tentacles that may have accumulated on your cheekbones when swiping.

Oh, and as for actual useful information:

This mascara benefits hugely from two key steps in the application process.
- curling first with an eyelash curler
- waiting for at least thirty seconds or more before applying the top coat. I actually applied my cheek colour between base coat and top coat and got much better results than yesterday. I'm pretty sure this is going to replace my Almay Triple Effect as my go-to mascara from now on.

My friends' reactions (paraphrased):

Mary: "I like how your lashes sweep out at the sides, it's very sultry!"
JM: "Yes, they're... very lovely." <-- boy who didn't even know about the existence of eye makeup remover until I told him this mascara didn't require its use

Beauty Tubes, or Beauty Cthulhubes???

Lash primer is not a new idea. I've used the Guerlain lash primer, which has been out for at least a few years now. The concept behind them, as far as I understand it, is that you first apply a layer of white goop to your lashes before applying the black (or coloured) goop. The white goop achieves two things: it coats and protects your lashes, and builds up a thick layer of goop to which the black (or coloured) goop can adhere. Two layers of goop = more mass, theoretically in both width and length, which is what mascara is kind of supposed to do to your lashes. I have had positive results with lash primers, but the effects haven't been startling enough to merit essentially paying for a redundant tube of mascara.

The drugstore response to department store lash primers is the dual-ended mascara. You pay for one tube, but you get the primer on one end and the black (or coloured) goop on the other. Also, not new.

But make no mistake with the unfortunately-dubbed L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes (toooooobz) mascara, because it's actually quite different.

The story with this product is that the Nourishing Base Coat is not just white goop that bonds to your lash, adding another layer of thickening/lengthening/curling to which you may further add thickening/lengthening/curling goop. It is, you see, a series of tubes. Seriously. As I am to understand their promotional material, it seems that the chemical bonds are different, creating a spiral formation around each hair. The spiral of Double Extend Beauty Tube extends past the edge of your lashes, looping outwards and upwards in an 80% lash extension! And then you brush on the black (or coloured) top coat, which spirals around the white spirals, and you're supposed to get results akin to salon lash extensions.

Getting your eyelashes extended at a salon is a very creepy idea, so it's kind of L'Oreal to offer us a less creepy alternative.

The best — best! — part of this product is that it comes off WITH WATER. Just water. You'd think, gee, all these spirals and loops and tubes, sounds chemically complicated. But water does it. That is the awesomest thing.

So there's the hype around this product before I had even tried it.

So, this is my mascara background:

As a compulsive overbuyer of cosmetics, I have numerous mascaras lying around for me to use at any time. They each have their own special use.

My everyday mascara is Almay Triple Effect. It's a reasonably priced drugstore mascara, with the two-sided brush (half long for upper lashes, half stubby for lower lashes). When I use my Almay, I go from looking sleepy and somewhat alien to looking like I have eyelashes. Not extraordinary eyelashes, but regular, pretty ones. It does the job, and it's cheap. But it is a BITCH to remove. Unless your eye makeup remover is Serious Business, it will take multiple cotton pads and much tugging and wiping to get that sucker off your lashes. If I mess with any eye makeup remover brand outside of MAC or Aveda, it becomes a huge ordeal. I sit there pinching the soaked cotton pad to my eye, waiting for thirty seconds, laboriously swiping downwards, gently but firmly, blah blah blah, and I still get those raccoon eyes of smeared mascara when I wash my face afterwards. Frustrating.

My most beloved mascara is my Guerlain Maxi Lash. It gives me beautiful long, full, fluttery lashes that curve just right on the outer corners. But.... it's like $30 a pop. And if you're serious about makeup hygiene, you'll know that you're supposed to toss mascara after three months. That's a huge expense. Me, I just risk eye infection and keep my Maxi Lash waaaaaaaaaaay past three months, because I'm superficial like that, but I wouldn't recommend it.

Today, I tried the Beauty Tubes without curling my lashes first, just to give it a tough time on its first day. I put on the white primer first and waited thirty seconds for it to dry before applying the top coat.

The primer is definitely the most fun part of application, because you can see the long flecks of white on the tips of your lashes that is alllll tubes. Unlike the Guerlain primer that I've used, it's not coating your entire lash and making it all white. You get these flecks where it's actually extending your lash past its existing length. That is way fun.

The top coat is alright, it bonds properly to the tubes which is, I guess, the important part. I think curling my lashes first when I put it on again tomorrow will help, because all of that extra length didn't really seem to know where to go. They really did look like lash extensions, and made my lashes almost look unfamiliar.

The texture when it dried was a little too crunchy for my preference. Guerlain always feels very soft and natural, which is why I love it. Chanel usually just feels dry, Cover Girl is itchy, and Almay feels kind of stiff but feathery. I'm not a fan of crunchy, though.

The smell is a little bit strong, too, when you open the tube. It's a plasticky chemical smell. I don't normally sniff my mascaras, so it had to be strong for me to notice — plus, I'm quite congested and getting over a bad cold, my nose is stuffed enough that I couldn't really taste my dinner, but I could smell this mascara.

But don't give up yet on L'Oreal Double Extend Beauty Tubes, because the best is yet to come.

It wears really well. I wore it all day, and then through a SERIOUS Wii Fit/Wii Sports workout with my friend Ella. Ella thought my lashes were lovely. And when I looked in the mirror before bed, I had no mascara shadows under my eyes (Almay is bad for that), and my lashes were still extended. It makes your lashes kind of stand up and contrast against your lids, kind of like a cartoon closeup. I might try to take some comparison photos over the next few days, but I make no promises because I think you need to be a pretty good photographer to capture eyelashes.

Anyway, after holding up all day and looking quite nice, it was time to remove it. I had serious doubts about the tube thing, the warm water thing, but I wanted to give it a chance. I wanted to try to remove it with just warm water, and if I didn't see any tubes, I was going to call it a gimmick.

I just took a cotton pad, wet it, pressed it against my lashes, and pulled down.

And oh my god there were tubes. TOOBZ

Little black squiggles on my cotton pad.

Beauty Cthulhubes.

It was so freaking awesome, I fully gasped.

Removing this mascara isn't just easy, it's actually HILARIOUS.

It even flecks off your lashes and down your cheeks in weird tentacular micro-wormy fallout.

It is so freaky and sci-fi.

For that reason alone, you should get this.

Seriously.

Tubes.

More on this story as it develops. 

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