I always said

suddenly he gets picky

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 23:40:25 GMT

174403655
6:33
did u have fun last night?

Elana
6:33
Who are you?

174403655
6:34
i'm your next boyfriend

Elana
6:34
How do you figure?

174403655
6:35
what are you doing tonite? wanna go out?
send me some pictures first

Clorox Green Works laundry detergent

Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:28:29 GMT

This is my review of Clorox Green Works laundry detergent. There is a survey link at the end of the review; please fill it out and give Matchstick your opinion on my piece! Not only does it generate a $2 donation to a Toronto women's shelter, but it also improves my credibility with Matchstick and encourages them to send me more free stuff (and if you know me at all, you know how desperately I need free stuff).

* * *

Objective: Wash my clothes.

Constants: My boyfriend's kind of sketchy/stinky university dorm washing machines; no fabric softener in dryer; dirty clothes (both mine and his); soy sauce stains.

Variable: Clorox Green Works laundry detergent.

Okay so maybe I didn't really conduct this as a totally thorough and rigourous scientific experiment. The truth is, I've been used to using Tide in my parents' magnificent space-age washing machines, carefully separating all my clothing types from each other into ultra-specific micro-loads (subdivided by colour type, regular/delicate/hand wash — yes their machines have a 'hand wash' option — silk, wool, or 'heavy duty'). I was a laundry princess, laundering with abandon even a load as small as a single pair of panties that solely constitutes the WHITE HANDWASH pile.

But I've been staying at my boyfriend's dorm a lot. All my clothes are here. And I work full-time in the city and I can't afford to spend a day commuting to the 'burbs for a laundravaganza, the way I'd been used to doing.

I had to use the stinky, dollar-per-use, washing machines that he shares with the other students on his floor.

They don't even have DIGITAL READOUTS, people.

I almost didn't have the nerve to do it, until I was sent a bottle of Clorox Green Works detergent to review (not to mention that I was going to have to go naked the next day because I had no clean clothes left.)

So maybe this wasn't scientific rigour, but it was certainly making the new product run the gauntlet. In already barbaric conditions, would my clothes feel clean?? The odds were stacked against it, especially since it was a purported "green" product using mystical things like "coconut-based cleansers". How was that going to work?

I have to tell you, people, I'm a believer. That big fat orange Tide detergent bottle is going to be green Clorox from now on. Just look at it. It's adorable.

The bottle's actually bigger than it appears in the photo, relative to a regular human. It contains 1.33 L. My boyfriend just happens to be an enormous man.

Also make special note of the giant arthritic-hand-friendly cap on the top. I am a person who is easily influenced by the tactile qualities of packaging, and the satisfying twist on that cap gives it huge points on the want-to-purchase-again scale.

But on to the chemical formulation contained within:

My position on 'green' products is the following: "it probably doesn't work as well as the tasty tasty carcinogen-rich non-green counterparts, but I should do my bit for the environment". I mean seriously, coconut cleansers?

But — and I am not shitting you — this stuff works better than Tide.

Anecdotal proof:

I go out for sushi with my choir every Wednesday night after rehearsal (SHOUT OUT), and the Wednesday before my first fateful experience with Clorox Green Works, I got a spot of soy sauce on a white t-shirt. (GASP! I know right??)

I wish I could show you photographic proof of the fact that the stain is gone but you know, a picture of a plain unblemished white t-shirt probably isn't going to be persuasive.

No, seriously.

In my Tide days, I was accustomed to just saying my sad farewells to soy sauce stained t-shirts. But no longer!! No longer!!

But what, you must be asking me, about the scent? The liquid itself smells kind of nice, you know, standard laundry detergent fare, but does it adhere to the clothes?

Scent is a major factor for both J-M (my enormous boyfriend) and I. One look at our shared domicile should tell you, it's not as important for things to actually BE clean as it is for the parts touching us to FEEL clean. (Well sometimes we don't even meet that standard, but you see my point.) We enjoy living in a world of illusions. If the clothing has a pleasing scent, it must be quite sufficiently clean. Yes?

Both his mom and my mom have always used Tide, and thus it is the scent of Tide that we associate with clean clothes.

Pulling our cleaned clothing out of the stinky washing machines in his dormitory laundry room, we were both snorting our various garments with a puzzled and slightly let-down expression on our faces. No smell! No clean? We am confused!

It took a moment for me to steady myself and realize that it was merely Tide brainwashing (Tidewashing!). These artificial scents were merely superfluous additives, designed to train our olfactory bulbs into submission to our orange overlords!

The vanishing soy sauce stain convinced me that my clothes were actually quite squeaky clean. And if you snort your clothing deeply enough, you may catch a faint whiff of…

Yes, coconut. From the coconut-based cleansers.

I shared a sample of Clorox Green Works, generously provided by Matchstick, with my friend Michael (of the aforementioned choir). Michael is a man of refined taste and delicate odour-sensitivity. True story: I once spent approximately twenty minutes with him in the shampoo aisle, assisting his choice in how his hair should smell. (The considerations were that it should not be too girly, nor too manly; merely pleasingly gender-neutral, clean, and sophisticated.) Upon using the sample of Clorox Green Works, Michael got back to me with excitement, eager for the associated coupons that I also have available for distribution. His sense of smell must be much more sensitive than mine or J-M's, because he couldn't stop enthusing about how much he loved the smell of this detergent. Not too strong, but clean, and sweet, and different. So there you go.

Finally, let's compare the warning labels on the back of Green Works and Tide:

Tide:

CAUTION: MAY IRRITATE EYES. Do not get in eyes. Do not reuse this package for dispensing beverages or other liquids. HARMFUL IF SWALLOWED. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. FIRST AID TREATMENT: Contains biodegradable surfactants (anionic and nonionic) and enzymes. If swallowed, give a glassful of water or milk and call a Poison Control Centre or doctor immediately. Do not induce vomiting. If in eyes, rinse well with water for 15 minutes.

Green Works:

CAUTION: IRRITANT. MAY IRRITATE EYES. Contents may be harmful if swallowed. Do not get in eyes. Do not swallow. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN. FIRST AID TREATMENT: Contains sodium salts of sulfonated fatty acid methyl esters, alkyl polyglucosides, sodium citrate, glycerin, oleic acid, boric acid, and lauramidopropylamine oxide. If swallowed, call a Poison Control Centre or doctor immediately. Do not induce vomiting. If in eyes, rinse with water for 15 minutes.

If that means something to you then... good. To me it it's a comparison of "gibberish" and "gibberish that sounds like it describes salts and maybe also parts of lemons". Nice to know that you don't need to drink milk to deweaponize Green Works after you accidentally chug it.

Some further stats:

- The 1.33 L bottle is enough for thirty loads because you need to use so little each load. J-M watched with trepidation as I very precisely followed the little lines on the inside of the cap; he did not believe it could be enough for clothing as filthy as ours. But lo! It was.
- Clorox Green Works can, in fact, be used in High Efficiency washing machines.
- It calls itself "95% natural". This term is not governmentally regulated.
- They are against animal testing.
- It is phosphate-free.
- The bottle is made of recycled high density polyethylene.
- J-M reaches for the bottle of Green Works now even though he has TWO huge bottles of Tide sitting in his room.
- Yes J-M does my laundry sometimes because he is the sweetest boyfriend ever.

So there you go, I hope that was useful to you. Either way, please fill out this survey.

It will generate a $2 donation to a women's shelter in Toronto and also give Matchstick feedback on how AWESOME my reviewing skills are.

Also if I know you IRL, I have plenty of samples to give away, and coupons for a free no-strings-attached full-sized bottle of the stuff. Which is totally no-lose. Kind of like filling out the survey.

My kind of city

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 03:41:02 GMT

I was helping J-M with his Jane Jacobs paper and it came up: what kind of city would I build?

Imagine a city where all of its urban resource types — schools, libraries, hospitals, civic buildings, arts buildings, markets, residence zones — were situated in a lattice pattern. So there would be a school lattice, and each school would be situated as far away from its neighbour schools as possible; there would be a hospital lattice, and each hospital would be as far away from its neighbour hospitals as possible; there would be an arts lattice, and the opera house would be as far away from the ballet and the theatre as possible and they from each other, etc. These lattices would be overlaid on each other but slightly offset, so that each grid square in the city wouldn't necessarily have exactly the same distribution of resources on it, but any given point in the city would be walking distance from any single example of the above categories. The result would be a consistently heterogeneous urban mass.

This rules out housing projects, arts compounds, enormous same-age shopping malls, and all the other stuff that Jane Jacobs thinks become urban dead zones over time.

There would be no downtown, because even huge office towers would be zoned according to their own lattice, and they would be spread equidistant from each other across the city.

The city's edges/suburbs would be defined merely as a gradual drop-off in density.

Instead of a bunch of little parks inside the city — which are really just useless, dangerous, junkie parlours — I'd have the city be right next to an enormous green space, equal in size to the city itself.

It would be big enough to house all kinds of activities so that it would be in use at all hours of the day. There could be a central area for concerts and raves at night; a lake for water sports; children's parks; zoos; and of course an actual nature preserve. A low-footprint monorail would make all points in the park accessible. A real, functional city next to a real, functional park.

Everyone would be able to walk from their homes to get to all their basic needs: groceries, civic resources, education, jobs. They would only have to leave their walkable range on special occasions, like to get to a particular type of arts event that isn't housed in their region, or to visit a specialized type of library or civic centre. Small local business and entrepreneurial ventures would flourish. Cost of living would be much much lower. The environmental impact of driving commuters would be greatly reduced.

Each little region could have a name and have a small local council to bring out its local flavour and personality, and run projects and events to foster community. This would be possible because each region would have a full complement of resources with which to work: people, buildings, businesses.

What do you think?

I think I should make some pictures or something.

I'm not happy with your chat

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:45:33 GMT

7:19:21 PM 594813929: how are you doing?

7:19:32 PM Elana: fine

7:20:37 PM 594813929: can we chat?

7:20:41 PM Elana: ok

7:21:13 PM 594813929: my name is musah

7:21:16 PM Elana: hi

7:21:28 PM 594813929: i'm from ghana west africa

7:21:31 PM Elana: cool

7:21:41 PM 594813929: and you?

7:21:48 PM Elana: I'm from Canada, North America

7:22:17 PM 594813929: ok

7:22:25 PM 594813929: and your name?

7:23:21 PM Elana: Elana

7:24:41 PM 594813929: nice name?

7:24:44 PM Elana: yes

7:26:26 PM 594813929: can we be friends?

7:26:31 PM Elana: maybe

7:26:38 PM 594813929: ok

7:27:07 PM 594813929: can you tell me about you?

7:29:17 PM Elana: What do you want to know?

7:30:17 PM 594813929: tell every thing about or your country?

7:30:24 PM Elana: What?

7:30:25 PM 594813929: are you single?

7:30:29 PM Elana: no

7:30:46 PM 594813929: are you sad?

7:30:49 PM Elana: no

7:31:00 PM 594813929: i'm just asking

7:31:04 PM Elana: I understand

7:31:15 PM 594813929: thank you

7:31:43 PM 594813929: or are you busy?

7:31:48 PM Elana: Not really

7:32:02 PM 594813929: ok

7:33:10 PM 594813929: how many siblings do you have?

7:33:14 PM Elana: 0

7:33:29 PM 594813929: and children?

7:33:32 PM Elana: 0

7:33:37 PM 594813929: ok

7:34:03 PM 594813929: are you with your boyfriend?

7:34:08 PM Elana: yes

7:34:14 PM 594813929: good

7:34:18 PM Elana: yes

7:36:24 PM 594813929: i'm sorry for disturben you

7:37:21 PM Elana: What makes you think you're disturbing me?

7:38:12 PM 594813929: like you are not happy to chat with me?

7:38:18 PM Elana: Why do you think that?

7:39:23 PM 594813929: bcus you are not asking me anything?

7:39:40 PM Elana: Isn't this the third question in a row that I am asking you?

7:41:13 PM 594813929: ok

7:41:26 PM 594813929: can i see you?

7:41:30 PM Elana: no

7:41:36 PM 594813929: why?

7:41:40 PM Elana: Why should you?

7:41:51 PM 594813929: sorry

7:42:24 PM 594813929: i'm really sorry

7:42:28 PM Elana: For what?

7:42:55 PM 594813929: i'm not happy with your chat

7:43:00 PM Elana: ok

7:43:09 PM 594813929: we better say good bye

7:43:13 PM Elana: Goodbye

7:43:15 PM 594813929: take care

EXEUNT

like you web cam sex?

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 17:12:32 GMT

[11:44:39 AM] romantica54 says: hi
[11:44:40 AM] romantica54 says: how are u
[12:27:34 PM] romantica54 says: hi
[12:27:47 PM] romantica54 says: how areu
[12:57:38 PM] Elana says: Your profile photo is a picture of a dick
[12:58:01 PM] romantica54 says: like you it?
[12:58:04 PM] Elana says: no
[12:58:14 PM] romantica54 says: ok. ı chanc it.
[12:58:18 PM] Elana says: cool
[12:58:20 PM] romantica54 says: how old are you
[12:58:25 PM] Elana says: 25
[12:58:31 PM] romantica54 says: ı am 27
[12:58:36 PM] romantica54 says: what is your job?
[12:58:37 PM] Elana says: ok
[12:59:20 PM] romantica54 says: are you married?
[12:59:24 PM] Elana says: no
[12:59:39 PM] romantica54 says: have you boyfriend_?
[12:59:48 PM] Elana says: yes
[12:59:57 PM] romantica54 says: good.
[1:00:01 PM] romantica54 says: where are u from?
[1:00:06 PM] Elana says: Canada
[1:00:13 PM] romantica54 says: ohhnicce.
[1:00:19 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:00:30 PM] romantica54 says: ı dream, usa and canada and ........
[1:00:54 PM] romantica54 says: ı am turkey.. in istanbul
[1:01:04 PM] Elana says: of course you are
[1:01:41 PM] romantica54 says: can you help me?
[1:01:47 PM] Elana says: how?
[1:02:06 PM] romantica54 says: ı want learn englihs practise?
[1:02:18 PM] Elana says: go to English school or get an English tutor
[1:02:19 PM] romantica54 says: my english very bad :(
[1:02:23 PM] Elana says: yes
[1:03:00 PM] romantica54 says: ı havent enought money so, ı dont go english sckool
[1:03:05 PM] Elana says: then earn money
[1:03:14 PM] romantica54 says: yes. ı am working.
[1:03:19 PM] Elana says: good
[1:03:35 PM] romantica54 says: but ı win 1000 dollar
[1:04:14 PM] romantica54 says: are you working?
[1:06:19 PM] romantica54 says: ?
[1:08:09 PM] Elana says: no
[1:08:26 PM] romantica54 says: like you talke with me?
[1:08:42 PM] Elana says: Not especially
[1:09:57 PM] romantica54 says: like you web cam sex?
[1:10:06 PM] Elana says: not really
[1:10:15 PM] romantica54 says: ok..

Lo Bishvilcha

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 19:01:27 GMT

Sincere apologies for my shitty awkward Hebrew; it's been seven years since I graduated from my Jewish high school and even when I visited Israel I hardly had any opportunities to practise. Translations are italicized.

This conversation follows from another a few days back that I didn't save: he proselytized all over the damn place and I got bored and ran into a language barrier and turned off IM. Sorry for losing the context there.

281908244
2:05
?

Elana
2:05
.

281908244
2:05

היי
Hey

Elana
2:05
hi

281908244
2:06
את יהודיה?
Are you Jewish?

Elana
2:07
Are you the guy who tried to tell me to keep Shabbat?

281908244
2:08
אני לא יודע אנגלית
I don't know English

Elana
2:08
dibarnu kvar, ken?
We've already spoken, right?

281908244
2:08
אני חושב שכן
I think so

Elana
2:11
veratzita she'eshmor shabat
And you wanted me to keep Shabbat

281908244
2:11
יש מצב
(This was a colloquialism I didn't know; it means literally, "there is a situation". I just looked it up and apparently it means "it's possible" or something similar.)

Elana
2:12
ani lo mevinah - ivrit lo hasafa sheli, ani medaberet anglit
I don't understand — Hebrew isn't my language, I speak English.

281908244
2:12
אני לא מבין אנגלית
יש לך משפחה בישראל
I don't understand English. Do you have family in Israel?

Elana
2:12
lo
No.

281908244
2:14
אז מתי את באה לבקר בישראל<
?
So when you come to visit Israel? (I tried to approximate in English the ambiguity of this sentence in Hebrew: it could be understood as past or present tense with very different meanings, i.e., "So when did you come to Israel?" vs. "So when are you coming to Israel?")

Elana
2:14
shalosh peamim
Three times. (I chose to interpret it as a past tense sentence because I didn't want to deal with the implication that he was just another pushy bastard trying to convince me to make aliya, a.k.a. make a religious pilgrimage to move to Israel)

281908244
2:15
מתי?
When?

Elana
2:16
1997, 2005, 2006

281908244
2:16
ומתי את מגיעה שוב?
And when are you coming back?

Elana
2:16
lo yodaat
I don't know

281908244
2:17
מה את עושה בחיים?
What do you do in life?

Elana
2:18
ani rotza ledaber od al madua ata choshev sheata yachol lehagid li sheani tzricha lishmor shabat
I want to talk more about why you think you can tell me to observe Shabbat

281908244
2:19
אני רק רוצה לעזור לך גם אני לא הייתי שומר ועכשיו כשאני שומר ממש טוב לי בחיים לכן הצעתי לך לישמור שבת
I just want to help you because I also used not to observe Shabbat and now that I do, my life is so good so that's why I came to you to observe Shabbat

Elana
2:20
ata choshev sheanachnu chaverim veani rotza et hahoda'a shelcha?
You think that we're friends and I want your advice?

281908244
2:22
אני חושב שאם את יהודיה ואני יהודי אז אני חייו להגיד לך את זה
I think that if you're a Jew and I'm a Jew then I must tell you this

Elana
2:23
ata choshev kach - ani choshevet sheani ben adam veata ben adam velachen ata tzarich lekavod et habrerot sheli
You think that way — I think that I'm a person and you're a person and therefore you must respect my choices.

281908244
2:25
אני מכבד את כולם רק אם אני יודע שאני יכול לעזור אז אני עוזר
I respect everyone it's just that if I think I can help, I help

Elana
2:26
ata choshev sheze ezra aval nishmea li sheata menase lehagid li eich lichyot
You think it's help but it sounds to me like you're trying to tell me how to live.

281908244
2:26
ממש לא נשמה
יש לך תמונה?
Not at all. You have a picture?

Elana
2:26
lo bishvilcha
Not for you.

281908244
2:27
אין בעיה
No problem

EXEUNT

A highly ironic decision

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 21:21:24 GMT

[16:21] 174403655: hi, how are you doing?
[16:21] Elana: I'm good thanks, how are you?\
[16:22] 174403655: i'm doing fine thanks
[16:22] Elana: That's good
[16:22] 174403655: do u remember me?
[16:22] Elana: no
[16:22] 174403655: how's your summer? did u go anywhere?
[16:22] Elana: Are you going to remind me of who you are?
[16:22] 174403655: no
[16:23] Elana: I guess I didn't like you then
[16:23] 174403655: why?
[16:23] Elana: Because otherwise you would have nothing to hide
[16:23] 174403655: i have nothing to hide, i just didn't chat with u for a very long time
[16:23] Elana: So then remind me of who you are
[16:24] 174403655: i didn't keep the history, so i forgot what i've talked to u b4, i just remember that i told u i live with my parents
[16:25] Elana: But you must have told me about yourself.
[16:25] 174403655: and i would like to see u
[16:25] Elana: Do you remember anything about me?
[16:25] 174403655: yes, i'm working as a computer programmer
[16:25] Elana: do you remember anything about me
[16:26] 174403655: you told me u have lots of friends ... something like that
[16:26] Elana: So you don't really remember anything at all.
[16:27] 174403655: i haven't use icq for a very long time, i just downloaded and installed it couple of days ago, and then i saw u
[16:27] 174403655: your nickname i.e. my best friends stills on my list
[16:28] 174403655: u go to school?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: what do u do?
[16:29] Elana: work
[16:29] 174403655: waitress?
[16:29] Elana: no
[16:29] 174403655: customer service related?
[16:29] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: u off today?
[16:30] Elana: yes
[16:30] 174403655: good for u
[16:30] 174403655: do u like go clubbing?
[16:30] 174403655: what do u do for fun?
[16:31] Elana: whatever I want
[16:31] 174403655: can i see u this friday?
[16:31] Elana: no
[16:32] 174403655: why not?
[16:32] 174403655: u live in downtown?
[16:33] 174403655: hey baby, are u still there?
[16:33] 174403655: do u have bf?
[16:44] Elana: yes
[16:56] 174403655: sorry i was in a shower ... can i ask u like him more or he likes u more?
[16:58] 174403655: do u remember i said "i will treat u as a queen although i'm not a king" to u before?
[16:59] 174403655: we used to chat everyday
[17:04] 174403655: u stil there honey?
[17:05] Elana: I don't think you're thinking of the same person
[17:06] 174403655: u like to take pictures right?
[17:08] 174403655: i remember that u gave me a website to see your professional pictures
[17:09] 174403655: is that right?
[17:09] Elana: Was it Katie West's website?
[17:10] 174403655: sorry i don't remember that, but there were some black and white pictures over there
[17:10] Elana: very specific
[17:10] 174403655: sorry that's all i remember
[17:11] Elana: it doesn't really matter
[17:11] 174403655: why?
[17:11] Elana: why should it?
[17:11] 174403655: i used to be your online friend
[17:11] Elana: that is not correct
[17:12] 174403655: u hurt me if u said like that
[17:12] Elana: oh well
[17:12] 174403655: i think u remember me
[17:12] Elana: I can honestly say that I do not. What makes you think I do? Is it a familiar irritation in my tone?
[17:13] 174403655: well we can start over everything again
[17:13] Elana: Needing to start over indicates that we were never friends
[17:15] 174403655: well, i always treated u as a good friend, i don't know your side
[17:15] Elana: You said you don't remember anything about me. Either you lied about that or you're lying about this
[17:15] 174403655: i only remember little bit
[17:16] 174403655: i didn't lie
[17:16] 174403655: about 2%
[17:16] Elana: You would have to remember everything in order to make a claim like "I always treated you as a good friend"
[17:18] 174403655: because i changed your nickname as "my best friend" years ago, so when I online recently, i only know that you are my best online friend
[17:18] Elana: That must have been a highly ironic decision
[17:18] 174403655: why u said like that?
[17:18] Elana: Pardon me?
[17:18] 174403655: nothing
[17:19] 174403655: anyways i really like to see u

Friendly advice

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 02:37:59 GMT

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Round 2 (of how many, truly it is anyone's guess)

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 21:04:21 GMT

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

In which I help a dude with the finer points of his scam

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 19:45:21 GMT

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

It's always a dick.

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 23:59:39 GMT

I lost the initial "hi" "hi" "how are you" whatever at the beginning because I switched computers.

Elana

7:25

Fine thanks, yourself?

16755638

7:25

pretty god thxs

where r you from ?

Elana